Joke Thread - Time to laugh

[Super Nova]

Due to the situation in egypt, here are a few for them....

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Cairo and asked to be taken to the Airport.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.
"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
The taxi driver was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Fiat, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.
"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be LE 250."
"LE 250? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"
"Taxi meter. Made in Egypt. Very fast."

[Super Nova]

A Saidi, living in Cairo, sends his son to school. On the first day back home he proudly tells his father:
"Dad, I was the only one, who could count to one hundred. Is that, because I am a Saidi?"
"No", said the father, "that is because you are intelligent.
On the next day the boy is pleased: "Dad, today I was the only one who knew the alphabet.
Is that, because I am a Saidi?" "No, my boy, that`s because you are very intelligent."
On the third day he is even more enthusiastic: "We were measured today, dad.
I am the tallest in my class. Is that, because I am a Saidi?" "No, my son", the father replies smiling,
"That`s because you`re already thirty ."

[Super Nova]

One day a woman found Aladdin’s magic lamp. She rubbed it in enthusiasm. A genie emerged and said:
• Here I am … I am ready to …
Forget about that crab! … I already know what you would say. I want to say the 3 wishes quickly.
• OK … but on one condition.
What?
• Your husband will take ten times anything you get!
No problem … I agree. First wish: I want to be the most beautiful woman on earth.
• OK … but take care your husband would be the most handsome man in the world and women would pursue him.
Hey … I don’t care! I would still be the most beautiful woman … shut up and carry out.
• Ok … glglglglglgla … (in few seconds the woman becomes the most beautiful on earth).
My second wish: I want to be the richest woman on earth.
• But take care! … your husband would be the richest man on earth …
You talk too much!
• Ok Ok … glaglaglagla … (she became the richest woman on earth).
My third wish: Let me have a minor heart stroke!

[Outlaw Yogi]

Slightly outdated, but too bad so sad ...

Australia Post released a new postage stamp bearing John Howard's face.
It was soon discovered the John howard stamp was failing to stick to envelopes.
John Howard was furious and commissioned an enquirery.

The John Howard stamp enquirery discovered:
#1- The stamp adhesive functioned properly.
#2 - The stamps had adequate adhesive applied.
#3 - People were spitting on the wrong side of the stamps.

[Super Nova]

I tell a slightly different version but this is my favourite joke and i tell it if I am called on to tell a joke.

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[boxy]

Testicle Disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund."

[boxy]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman...

Were drinking in an Aussie pub.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

[boxy]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable’