Joke Thread - Time to laugh

[Super Nova]

Please post any funny jokes here.

It is time to liven the place up.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...
What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay naked before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer?
Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you look below.




























Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now.....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is...... If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

[Super Nova]

I found this on the web.

"I'm in love with my dog," the jovial but nervous old monk told his
psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are
fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are
very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically
attracted to my dog."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am,
queer?"

[Super Nova]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Super Nova]

John Howard was on one of his trips to England, and decided to drop in and visit the Queen. He asks her for advice on how to succesfully rule an entire country.
She says, "I like to surround myself with intelligent people". Howard says, "Well, how do ya know whether your people are intelligent or not?"
She replies, "Look here". She picks up her phone, dials a number, and says, "Mister Tony Blaire".
"Yes, your Majesty". "If my parents have a child which is neither my brother nor my sister, who is it?". "Why? If my parents have a child who's not my brother or my sister, it's me, of course". "See?", the Queen says to Howard.


Johnny returns to Australia and decides to find out if his people are intelligent. He calls up Peter Costello and says, "Hey Pete, if my parents have a kid, and it's not my brother or my sister, who is it?"
Costello replies, "Hmmm, I don't know. Let me ask Downer".
So Costello calls up Alexander Downer and says, "Mate, can i ask you a question?"
"Ask away", Downer says.
"If my parents have a child, which is not my brother or my sister, who is it?"
"Ummm, ya dumb ass, if my parents have a child who's not my brother or my sister, it's me".


A few days later, Peter Costello calls up Howard and says, "Well after a lot of thought, I think I've figured it out. If my parents have a kid, and it's not my brother or my sister, it's Alexander Downer.


Howard replies "No, ya dumb ass, it's Tony Blaire!"

[Super Nova]

Not long before he became Prime Minister of Australia, Bob Hawke told this joke to 700 people at a Melbourne dinner function;

The Indian PM Indira Gandhi was looking for a way to divert attention from the political and economical mess of her government and one of her staff suggested a national lottery. The idea was accepted, the lottery was organized and the whole of India bought tickets in the hope of winning one of the three mystery prizes.
The draw was done in a large stadium, watched by millions of people. First the third prize was drawn; a first class ticket around the world on Air India, the winner was pretty happy with this. Then the second prize was drawn; a fruit cake. The winner was not happy, he complained that the third prize was better, and normally one would expect the second to be larger than the third.
The compere explains; oh, but this is a special fruit cake, it was baked by Mrs. Gandhi!
To which the winner replies; F%#*! Mrs. Gandhi! The compere; oh no, that is first prize!
The Indian High Commissioner was not impressed.....

[freediver]

Please post any funny jokes here.

It is time to liven the place up.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...
What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay naked before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer?
Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

By day. They didn't have electric lights back then.

[boxy]

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

[boxy]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in Hartlepool, Middlesbrough and Newcastle stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise

[Ned Kelly]

Phunny, unless you are Susan Boyle.

[Super Nova]

Recent Late-Night Jokes About Egypt

"Huge riots continuing in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is, there's a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of people who have nothing. Well, thank God that could never happen in this country." —Jay Leno

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son, Hosni W. Mubarak." —David Letterman

"While in Egypt, CNN's Anderson Cooper was attacked and beaten, which raises two questions. Is it safe to send our media into these places? And how do we get Glenn Beck over there?" —Conan O'Brien

"Protesters in Egypt are demanding that President Murabak step down by Friday. Murabak says he'll leave in 5 years and then hand the job off to Conan." —Jimmy Kimmel

Read more late-night jokes...

Top 5 Tweets From Comedians About Egypt

1. @daveanthony - What Egypt needs right now is a tax break for the wealthy, which would create jobs.

2. @MikeDrucker - I don't understand the revolution in Egypt, which I guess now qualifies me to be on CNN talking about it

3. @ChristFinegan - None of this would have happened on Tut's watch.

4. @FrankConniff - Immediately after leaving office this fall, Mubarak will begin production on TLC reality show "Hosni Mubarak's Alaska"

5. @StephenAtHome - Dibs on being the first tweet Egyptians read when they get the Internet back! Dibs!!!!