Joke of the Day

[Neferti]

Bought a new imported Ford F350 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck...

Go figure... It runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

I returned to the dealer yesterday, because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson!' The technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On the road again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant,' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven!', I'd get beautiful classical music.

And if I said 'Beatles!', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly smashed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him...

I yelled, “F**king Idiot!!!”

Immediately, the radio responded with:

"Ladies and gentlemen, an address from the Leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten."

Damn, I love this truck!!!

[Neferti]

AN IRISH PAINTER!!!

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."



T'is why we love the Irish.

[Neferti]

Some help with your May voting choices.

Butch the Rooster


Ninah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



Ninas favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To Ninah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.



Ninah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

[Super Nova]

.

[cods]

you are on fire today!

[sprintcyclist]

Oneone was a racehorse.
Twotwo was one too.
Oneone won one race
Twotwo won one too.

[Black Orchid]

That'll teach him for calling them onions!

[cods]

joke of the day black orchid......

[Neferti]

1) I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.

2) A WISE MAN ONCE SAID NOTHING.

3) RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

4) WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?

5) WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

6) BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

7) INSTEAD OF "SINGLE" AS A MARITAL STATUS, I PREFER "INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED".

8) PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.

9) LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

10) VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!

11) I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK ... "REALLY? THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

12) IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

13) IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

14) MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL ..WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

15) SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

16) CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

17) IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL, JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

[Gordon]

Here's the funniest thing I've seen in ages

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/news/ ... style.html