Joke of the Day

[Neferti]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes south latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal Coalition supporter”.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Labor supporter."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[Super Nova]

Too true

[Neferti]

Seniors Bus Tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times...

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'




It pays to be careful around old people !

[Outlaw Yogi]

This one works better with accents and hand motions/body language, but here goes anyway ...

There's a Yank, a Pommy and an Aussie lost out in the desert in America.
They're starving and dehydrated. Eventually they drop from exhaustion and the buzzards are circling.

Some American Indians find them and wake them up.
The Indians say to the Yank "You're going to die anyway, so we want you to take this knife and cut your throat"
The Yank asks "What in God's name would you want me to do that for?"
The Indians reply "We want to make a coat out of your skin"
The Yank says "Oh well I'm a pretty obliging fella" and cuts his thoat.

Next the Indians say to the Pommy "you're going to die anyway, we want you to take this knife and cut your throat"
The Pommy asks "What in the blazes would you want me to do that for?"
The Indians reply "We want to make a pair of boots out of your skin"
The Pommy says "Oh well, for King and country" and cuts his throat.

Last the Indians say to the Aussie "You're going to die anyway, we want you to take this knife and cut your throat"
The Aussie asks "What for? .. You've already got a coat and a pair of boots".
The Indians reply "We want to make a canoe out of your skin"
The Aussie grabs the knife, repeatedly stabs himself in the chest and stomach and says "Like fuck you are"

[Redneck]

GARY IS IN HOSPITAL!

Who the hell is Gary ?

Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Gary is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

[Redneck]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwords, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.. Then, you will massage my feet and hands... Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

[Redneck]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just ............as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Redneck]

Not a good night at the Pub

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few when I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember...

[Redneck]

BEST PICK UP LINE EVER
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..


He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.


The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'


'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'


The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'


The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'


The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'


Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'


The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'


The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Bloody thing's an hour fast'

[Redneck]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
Basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
Areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
Mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
With 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
Enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
On head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
Areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
Making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
Them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
Surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
The soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk..

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
Hanging out of bath t he whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
Fan on..

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
And make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!