Joke of the Day

[Neferti]

Proof That The World Is Nuts!



In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.


(Like THAT makes sense.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.


(Do they look different reversed?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.


(A brick?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)


(Much worse than 'going blind!')


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.


Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.


(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.


(Ah! Justice!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.


(But of course!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.


(Makes one shudder at the thought.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.


(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'


(Is this a great country or what?)


Well... not as great as Guam!


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.


(From drinking little bottles of ???)


(Did our Government pay for this research??)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Ah, geez.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Starfish don't have brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)


*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


And, the best for last?


Turtles can breathe through their ass.


(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)


Thank you all for reading this.


If you need to reach me in the future, I will be In Guam!

***

[mellie]

Lol Nef.... but as i'm sure you are aware, thats not true re- it being illegal to marry in Guam if you are a virgin.


More a case of wishful thinking by the original author of the joke me thinks.


http://www.guamcourts.org/compileroflaw ... 9gc003.PDF

[Black Orchid]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than
ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,
then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred
Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The Marine’s voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand
Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends
them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a
huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and
with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its
a trap. There's actually two of them."

[Neferti]

Just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
But thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough
to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman
so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~


Aspire to inspire before you expire.

[Black Orchid]

[Super Nova]

Did any see the fallen Madonna with the big boobies last night.

[Black Orchid]

Not a joke but it made me chuckle for obvious reasons.

[Neferti]

The ORIGINAL Cybersex joke that went around the Net back in about 1996. Hilarious.

> ***** JOKE: Cybersex **********
>
> Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
>
> Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk
> blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am
> tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are
> 36-24-36. What do you look like?
>
> Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses
> and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart.
> I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce
> stains on it and it smells kind of funny.
>
> Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
>
> Wellhung: OK
>
> Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music
> playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand.
> I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its
> way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling
> bulge.
>
> Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing
> your chest.
>
> Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands
> are trembling.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
>
> Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm
> sliding it softly off.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.
> The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge
> faster now, rubbing and pulling.
>
> Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and
> tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
>
> Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too
> expensive.
>
> Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
>
> Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy
> black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe
> harder and harder.
>
> Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I
> think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?
>
> Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I
> reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The
> cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.
>
> Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the
> bra and inspecting the clasp.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just
> want to feel your tongue all over me.
>
> Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking
> your, you know, breasts They're neat!
>
> Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your
> hair. Now I'm
> nibbling your ear.
>
> Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are
> covered with spit and phlegm.
>
> Sweetheart: WHAT?
>
> Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts
> with the remains of my blouse.
>
> Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from
> you and throwing it in the corner of the room.
>
> Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and
> rubbing your hard tool.
>
> Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are
> cold! Yeee!
>
> Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my
> panties.
>
> Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is
> going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a
> second.
>
> Sweetheart: What's the matter?
>
> Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.
> I'm choking.
>
> Sweetheart: Are you OK?
>
> Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all
> red.
>
> Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?
>
> Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking
> wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??
>
> Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!
>
> Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's
> better.
>
> Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
>
> Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.
>
> Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it
> back in the cabinet and now I'm walking back to the bedroom.
> Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?
>
> Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the
> hall.
>
> Wellhung: I found it.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you
> so badly.
>
> Wellhung: Me too.
>
> Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked
> bodies pressed against each other.
>
> Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my
> face. It hurts.
>
> Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?
>
> Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing
> my glasses on the nightstand.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me
> baby!
>
> Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly
> to the bathroom
>
> Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.
>
> Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm
> feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
>
> Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the
> flush handle.......uh-oh!
>
> Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
>
> Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper.
> Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.
>
> Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
>
> Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm,
> woman's thing.
>
> Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!
>
> Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
> Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I
> can't wait
> another second. Slide it in! Screw me!
>
> Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
>
> Sweetheart: WHAT?
>
> Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an
> incredulous look on my face.
>
> Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face,
> my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what
> the problem is.
>
> Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm
> putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.
>
> Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm
> reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray,
> your picture frames and your candles.
>
> Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on
> my shoes.
>
> Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of
> your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm
> pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.
>
> Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!
>
> Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!
>
>
> USER 'SWEETHEART' HAS LOGGED OFF

[Black Orchid]

[Neferti]

Great isn't it? When I first got the Internet in 1995 (Win 95) there were MS Chat rooms, Social Penpal sites, etc but not a lot else. Initially it was sensible (I presumed) people who were older and just wanted to "chat" to people Worldwide. I still keep in touch with a couple of people from back then.

Soon, the "do you want to do cybersex" question came up. The above "joke" came out of that. Amazing that it is almost 20 years old.