Joke of the Day

[Super Nova]

I thought aussie may like this.

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips:


Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
--------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
--------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
--------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
--------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
--------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
--------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
--------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
--------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
--------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
--------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
--------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
--------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
--------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
--------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
--------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
--------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
--------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
--------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
--------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
--------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
--------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
--------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
--------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
--------
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and
she did!
--------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
--------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
--------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
--------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
--------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
--------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
--------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
--------
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

[Neferti]

[Neferti]

A Muslim dies and, by some error in his handling, ends up in heaven.
He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says:
"Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven."

"What?" replies the Muslim, "and why not?"

"Well, we just don’t .... and that's it. We're short on Virgins."

The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.

"Well," says St Peter, "Have you ever done anything good in your life?"
"Ummm," the Muslim replies. "Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street, collecting for a children’s charity, so I gave her ten pounds."

"Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society, and a couple of weeks ago a Hobo asked me if I could spare any money, so I gave him ten pounds, too!"

"Alrighty then," says St Peter, "wait here and I'll have a quick word with God."



Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.

"Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me ...




Here’s your 30 pounds back......... now piss off."

[Neferti]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi.
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Dog: 'Yep.'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool.'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep.'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep? Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking' liar......!!'

[Super Nova]

An Australian Political Animal member who is a ventriloquist visiting South Australia, walks into a small suburb and sees a local drunk sitting on his veranda drinking some local brew with with a few animals around him. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the drunk.
'G'day, mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Drunk: 'The sheep doesn't talk, you stupid troll, forger, election rigger.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello sheep, how's it going mate?'
Sheep: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Drunk: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this drunk your owner?' (pointing at the idiot drunk)
Sheep: 'Yep.'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Sheep: 'Yeah, real good. He puts me in the paddock to eat all day.'
Drunk: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Drunk: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool.'
Drunk: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the drunk)
Horse: 'Yep.'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'
Drunk: (total look of amazement, downs another beer and pops a few pills
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your dog?
Drunk: (in a panic) 'The dog's a fucking' liar......!!'

[Neferti]

[Super Nova]

Liar Sermon

A Queensland preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Only one hand in the congregation goes up. It was Aussie.

The preacher continues, "You are the person I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

[Super Nova]

This is the best one so far. Would you trust your dog to this service..

A bored dog, consigned to a backyard all the time is an unhappy, barking dog that can even turn vicious.

If both of you are working, or you have limited mobility, walking the dog is a chore rarely done. Kids might say they will do it but that typically lasts 10 minutes, tops!

I can walk your dog for $20/hour, $17.50 for pensioners., for one hour at a time. Dogs love walking, whether chihuahua or Great Dane! The exercise is also good for their health and helps prevent bad habits getting established.

As well as walking I can offer holiday services: instead of putting the dog in a boarding kennel leave it in your backyard where it is more relaxed and I will visit twice a day to check water, feed your dog and take it for a walk. Better for your dog and you save $$$!

http://www.jovialmonk.com.au/board/view ... 339841bdc4

[Neferti]

Talking about dogs .............

Dog.jpg

[Neferti]

Love the look on the Moggy too.

unseen.jpg