Joke of the Day
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It's such a fine line between stupid and clever. Random guest posting.
It's such a fine line between stupid and clever. Random guest posting.
- Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Joke of the Day
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed what appeared to be a Taliban type Muslim sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed ...........................my wife then said, "you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I said, "That Bastard next door still has my shovel".
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed ...........................my wife then said, "you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I said, "That Bastard next door still has my shovel".
- mantra
- Posts: 9132
- Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2010 9:45 am
Re: Joke of the Day
Tony Abbott asks the Queen, “Your Majesty, you run such an efficient government. Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Abbott then asked, “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of champagne. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle - watch”.
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?”
Prince Charles walked into the room and said, “Yes, Mummy".
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please Charlie. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered. “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good.” said the Queen.
Tony Abbott went back home to Australia by Qantas. He decided to ask Joe Hockey the same question. “Joe, answer this for me.” “Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Hockey. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Hockey went to the toilet, and found Clive Palmer there.
Joe Hockey went up to him and asked, “Hey Clive, see if you can answer this question.”
“Shoot Joe.”
Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Clive Palmer answered, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Joe Hockey grinned, and said, “Good answer Clive, I see it all now!”
Joe Hockey then went back to find Tony Abbott. “Tony, I thought about it, and I have the answer to that riddle.” “It’s Clive Palmer”
Tony Abbott got up, stomped over to Joe Hockey, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Prince Charles!”
“Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Abbott then asked, “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of champagne. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle - watch”.
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?”
Prince Charles walked into the room and said, “Yes, Mummy".
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please Charlie. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered. “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good.” said the Queen.
Tony Abbott went back home to Australia by Qantas. He decided to ask Joe Hockey the same question. “Joe, answer this for me.” “Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Hockey. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Hockey went to the toilet, and found Clive Palmer there.
Joe Hockey went up to him and asked, “Hey Clive, see if you can answer this question.”
“Shoot Joe.”
Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Clive Palmer answered, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Joe Hockey grinned, and said, “Good answer Clive, I see it all now!”
Joe Hockey then went back to find Tony Abbott. “Tony, I thought about it, and I have the answer to that riddle.” “It’s Clive Palmer”
Tony Abbott got up, stomped over to Joe Hockey, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Prince Charles!”
- Rorschach
- Posts: 14801
- Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 5:25 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
nice.... you keep proving my point mantra.
DOLT - A person who is stupid and entirely tedious at the same time, like bwian. Oblivious to their own mental incapacity. On IGNORE - Warrior, mellie, Nom De Plume, FLEKTARD
- Rorschach
- Posts: 14801
- Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 5:25 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
A Welshsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman on the M4. The Welshman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of Welsh Whisky. The rattled Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Welshie, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Welshman. "Perhaps," he replied, "after the police have gone."
DOLT - A person who is stupid and entirely tedious at the same time, like bwian. Oblivious to their own mental incapacity. On IGNORE - Warrior, mellie, Nom De Plume, FLEKTARD
- Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
Blonde Joke
A blonde and brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why she had a rope tied around her waist. The blonde answered that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You're supposed to put the rope around your neck." The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"
A blonde and brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why she had a rope tied around her waist. The blonde answered that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You're supposed to put the rope around your neck." The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"
- Super Nova
- Posts: 11787
- Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 12:49 am
- Location: Overseas
Re: Joke of the Day
The Blonde Gambler...
A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles to the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.
"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on, baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"
The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement
She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.
The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"
"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."
Conclusions:
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men - are always MEN!
A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles to the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.
"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on, baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"
The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement
She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.
The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"
"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."
Conclusions:
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men - are always MEN!
Always remember what you post, send or do on the internet is not private and you are responsible.
- Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
Straight off the Press (email in box)
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in it now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in it now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
- skippy
- Posts: 5239
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 3:48 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
A child asks her mother
" mummy what is an orgasm?"
Mother replies
" I don't know you'll have to ask your father.
" mummy what is an orgasm?"
Mother replies
" I don't know you'll have to ask your father.
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