Heartbreaking Stuff

[lisa jones]

A topic to vent/chat about anything that's stressing you out. An opportunity to put it down in writing and hopefully deal with what's happening a tad better by getting a bit of feedback from others.

At times it's difficult to openly share deep hurts with people at home because you don't want to upset them.

Sometimes it's a good thing to come online and talk anonymously about stuff that's troubling you.

[lisa jones]

Sometimes we're caught off guard by an event. Recently this happened to me. It involved some terrible news about my cousin.

My cousin and I have the same first name (we're both named after our grandmother). So we've always been close. She's in her late 40's and is a very devoted high school teacher here in Sydney.

Since Covid19 our families kinda stopped communicating. Initially I thought it was because of the limitations and lockdowns due to Covid19. Then I put it down to everyone struggling to find their new routine...their new normal.

Fast forward to 2022...and I'm thinking : I've said something to her but what?? Why no CHRISTMAS card or phone call? My phone calls would go straight to voicemail and my Christmas cards were posted. Nothing was posted back. I was trying to organise a visit but even my texts to her were ignored. Our visits were usually something we all looked forward to.

Nothing.

Eventually I had to contact my siblings and other cousins because I was so hurt. If only I knew what I had said/done.

Not knowing was killing me. Slowly eating at me. Anyone who knows what Mediterranean cousins are like ... we're like brothers and sisters. Close. Very close.

I soon discovered that I was not the only person trying to make sense of the deafening silence. It turned out quite a number of us were too shocked and embarrassed to come forward and speak up about the possibility of being "the cause" of some trouble in the family.

So we decided to contact my 75 yr old Aunty. On her home phone. And we agreed to let her know that whatever it is that's happened we would all band together and help out. We all speculated that the problem may have had something to do with financial support or even a divorce. So we assured my Aunty that we would help with money and getting a good lawyer if indeed this was required.

That brought on the bombshell. My intelligent, smart, capable, beautiful, gorgeous and talented 49 yr old cousin had been diagnosed with dementia and could no longer drive or teach or do much. Her mother (my Aunty) is her Carer. She's moved in to help look after her and her family.

A 75 yr old mum is now a carer 24/7 to her 49 yr old daughter. I just can't fathom this. I could never foresee such a scenario in my wildest dreams.

I know first hand and therefore understand how impossible it was for ME to care for my dying mum 24/7 BUT I was the younger stronger person in that situation.

Dementia in your 40's (or early onset dementia as it's now known) is on the rise.

Here I've been trying to advocate for more funding for the bankrupt aged care sector of Australia not realising that the illnesses affecting the aged are also affecting those of us with school aged children. Where does one prioritise advocating? Funding? There's SFA money left post Covid19 (and Covid19 has not been sorted yet).

I'm torn, devastated and shocked. Not only about my cousin but it's the broader picture...the context which is oppressing me along with the helplessness in not knowing what to do.

Right now it feels like I'm watching someone I love drown and doing nothing about it. My heart hurts. I don't know about visiting her. I KNOW I won't be able to handle it.

[Nom De Plume]

Talk to your FB group that you have mentioned, they will be full of advice and sympathy for you.

[lisa jones]

1. I have.

2. Empathy NOT sympathy.

3. Glad you felt able to log in and post in this topic.