Latest Jokes via EMAIL

[Super Nova]

"You don’t argue with a toddler if you want to win; don’t amplify the toddler’s voice, because you’ll just get trapped in the toddler’s world. Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate, because logic is the downfall of every toddler." –Trevor Noah on handling Donald Trump

"Donald Trump still hasn't released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he's going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media's talking about is emails.

It's like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration." –Seth Meyers

"But, you know, Trump voters—really? Not even the guy who says he wants to f*ck his daughter? This is not a deal-breaker for you? I mean, what does it take? A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist. You know we’re a nuclear power, right? These are red flags." –Bill Maher

"As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of 'he said' and 'she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because his tiny baby hands?" –Stephen Colbert

"Trump said that he wants to 'give back to the country' he loves. Then people were like, 'There's always that OTHER way to give back to your country — Pay your taxes!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump spoke at a campaign event in Florida today where he once again said Hillary Clinton should be locked up. Well, Donald, if it’s any consolation, it looks like the election is locked up." –Seth Meyers
"During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will “be their worst nightmare.” Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS?" –Seth Meyers

"Oh, Donald Trump, the media is not 'rigged' against you.

They're just recording what you say and playing it back. If anything, you’re rigging your own campaign." –Trevor Noah

"Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and 'stop pussyfooting around.' That's the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, 'I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.'" –Seth Meyers

"Trump denied the (groping) allegations, calling them 'ludicrous' at a rally today. But here's the problem for Trump: There's very good reason to believe he did what he's accused of. Why? Because an irrefutable, inside source told us so: Donald Trump. Donald Trump is his own Deep Throat. He's Creep Throat." –Seth Meyers

"NBC suspended Billy Bush for his words on the Trump tape, which means there is currently a higher standard for host for third hour of the Today Show than there is for the Republican nominee for president." –Seth Meyers

[Neferti]

An Adult FAIRY TALE


Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your
daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sad and quite heart-broken.

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

And now to the Big Question: What was in the third Prince's pants?

(scroll down for answer .............)




































M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking???

I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

[Neferti]

The Australian Tax Office (ATO) actually commented on this one. The importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you ?"

The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'.

The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable".

The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?"

[Super Nova]

Just saw this on FB... my god..

[Neferti]

Latest joke doing the rounds. Does it remind you of anybody?

The Queensland Country Lawyer...
Joe grew up in a small town in outback Queensland, then moved to Brisbane to
attend law school.
He decided to come back to the country town because he felt he could be a
big shot at home.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he returned and opened his new law
office.
The first day he saw a man coming up the side walk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking on the phone.
"No. Absolutely not! You tell those clowns in Sydney that we won't settle
this case for less than one million... Yes, the Court of Appeal has agreed
to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the
primary arguments and the other members of my team will provide support!
Okay, tell the Attorney General that I'll meet with him next week to discuss
the details..."
The 'conversation' went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man
sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for
the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Telstra, and I came to hook up your phone!"

[Neferti]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

****************************************************************


WATER IN THE CARBURETTOR

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool".

*******************************************************************

STATISTIC

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...

**********************************************************************

THE PHONE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Woolies?"

**************************************************************

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

******************************************************************

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round... and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

[Bobby]

The Australian Tax Office (ATO) actually commented on this one. The importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you ?"

The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'.

The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable".

The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?"

That's a good one.

[Neferti]

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[Neferti]

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[Neferti]

This is Marketing

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be a lot of competition so you stand on a chair, one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Facebook.

You are at a party; this old man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's Bill Clinton or Donald Trump. You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America!