Chat

[Aussie]

I played cricket against this bloke. What an athlete he was.

[AiA in Atlanta]

I played cricket against this bloke. What an athlete he was.

A warning to all boys:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3S24ofE ... re=related

[JW Frogen]

Chat is guud speaken.

[Jovial Monk]

Gentle Thoughts for the mature person -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If y ou think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . . .. . AMEN!

[Jovial Monk]

Honorable mention:

Mortar Fire
2009 Honorable Mention
Unconfirmed by Darwin
This moment of blissfully pure and unadulterated stupidity happened while I was managing a successful franchise exhaust shop a few years back. I had won a contract to build custom exhausts on a series of hot rods. Due to the exacting workmanship required, I did these jobs after hours when I wasn't distracted by customers and staff.

Tired and a bit bored one evening, I took a break, swigged some soda, and set the Coke can down on the pipe rack. It fell neatly into a length of exhaust pipe. This raised some intriguing possibilities. I wondered if a small acetylene explosion would launch a can from the pipe. As it happened, an acetylene set was ready to hand, and I proceeded unimpeded with my experiment.

I welded a plate over one end of the tube, and bored a small hole in the side, just above the plate. I dropped an empty can down the pipe and introduced some acetylene and oxygen though the hole. Test One went well. My trusy Zippo ignited the gas and there was a loud pop--but the can launched a measly ten feet in the air.

Being a perfectionist, I knew I could do better. The empty can was slightly smaller than the 3" pipe, and much could be gained by wrapping the can to fit the pipe. Test Two was better. The pop was louder, and the can launched upward with enough force to dent the tin roof of the building.

At this point I realized that I could do some damage, so I moved my enterprise out back behind the shop before proceding with Test Three. I carefully wrapped a full Coke can with a rag, oiled to reduce friction. I rammed it hard down the pipe, but could only get it down about one foot. I aimed the tube straight up (to maximize altitude) and filled the three remaining feet with oxygen and acetylene. I must confess that I experienced a brief flash of doubt, but I overcame it, knelt down a careful eighteen inches from the pipe, and lit the mortar.

The result was considerably more violent than the prior launches.

An extremely loud explosion and a searing flash of heat knocked me over. I caught a brief glimpse of a burning projectile disappearing at high velocity into the night sky. The recoil of the launch had driven the tube a foot into the ground, and the open end of the pipe sported a distinct bell shape. Luckily the pipe had held, and had not blown up in my face. Stunned, I staggered back into the shop and knocked over a six foot length of exhaust pipe. Instead of the usual crash, I heard nothing but a high-pitched buzzing. Break time was over. I carried on working.

Half an hour later I was surprised by two cops tapping me on the shoulder. They were a wee bit agitated, as they had been addressing me for awhile and thought I was ignoring them. After much shouting and several written messages, it became apparent that they were investigating a loud explosion heard behind the 20,000-litre propane tank at the gas station next door. The tank was ten feet away from my test site, behind a wooden fence!

The gas station had, of course, been evacuated. Due to my impaired hearing, I had failed to notice the four fire engines outside, and was blissfully unaware of the mayhem going on next door. Naturally enough, I denied any knowledge, but my burnt and deaf state didn't help my case. Then a curious cop followed the oxy-acetylene hoses outside...

The incident cost me a severe telling off by the cops and permanent hearing issues, but I count myself lucky. I must confess, though, sometimes I sit back and wonder... What was I thinking?

And where did that Coke can end up?

http://darwinawards.com/

[Jovial Monk]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know
what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

This reminds me of a prank someone (not me) played on a professor. the Mawson lecture theatre had two blackboards side by side and on castors or something so they could be moved out the way. So this lecture the prof wanted to show slides of rock formations or something. So he walks and pushes the left blackboard out the way, turned around and started pushing the right one out the way, but some student had tied them together with fishing line so when the professor turned round, there was the left blackboard in fron of the screen.

Funny as anything, professor didn't think it was funny tho

[Jovial Monk]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the
man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[boxy]

An email from a Brit, they're getting sick of their upper class welfare cheats as well.

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The baker is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Vote very carefully.

[Rainbow Moonlight]

So, can you vote for a citizen?

[Jovial Monk]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The sweet little old lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:





'I've outlived the bitches.'