Vladivostok Hiho!

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Mattus
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Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by Mattus » Thu Mar 01, 2012 8:48 pm

The Russian election for president, supreme commander in chief and primary power in the Russian executive government takes place on Sunday.

Lets meet the candidates.


President Dmitry Medvedev:
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President Placeholder will not be running. He's entirely eligible to run for another term, having only served 1 four year term since he took over from Putin in 2008, when he immediately appointed Putin as prime minister and changed the constitution in order to increase term limits, paving the way for Putin to run again. Essentially, he's Putin's sock puppet.

Czar Vladimir Putin:
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Ex-KGB, Ex-president, ex-prime minister, and soon to be president again, Putin has been the centre of power in Russia since 1999 and looks to continue in that role until 2025. He's polling at 55%, which believe it or not, is utterly dreadful in a Russian "election". Medvedev took office with more than 70% of the vote. Democracy is new, okay? They're still getting the hang of it.

Comrade Gennady Zyuganov
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Leader of the Communist Party, Zyuganov is the only surviving leader of "opposition" and, tragically, the only viable alternative to Putin. He wishes to restore the motherland to the heady days of pre-Gorbachev socialism, he whiles the days away in a boozy fog broken only by fits of uncontrolled sobbing for what has become of beloved mother Russia. He's polling at 10%, which means either people are so desperate to be free of Putin's tyranny that they would embrace the ghost of Iron Gromyko. That or there's still enough old schoolers with a hard on for Communist dominance around.

Sergey Mironov
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The leader of socialist leaning Fair Russia party, he's like the Bill Clinton of Russia. He's allowed to be nominated in this election because he's party is about to collapse and he has no chance of winning. He's polling at 5%

Colonel Vladimir Zhirinovsky
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One angry mother fucker. Leader of the Lib Dem party. A war hawk, anti-muslim orthodox fundamentalist. He should probably be running in the GOP primaries. He's polling at 8% in Russia, but could probably sweep Super Tuesday in the US with those values.

"Condoleezza Rice is a very cruel, offended woman who lacks men's attention." - Vladimir Zhirinovsky

and finally...

Mikhail Prokhorov
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Mr Big! A russian born billionaire and owner of the New Jersey Nets NBA team. He's one of the 40 richest men in the world and has just decided it's time to rule a country. He has just resigned from the "puppet Kremlin party" he helped to found and is now standing as an independent. Lets see what power money can buy in Russia. He'll probably be enjoying a polonium-210 daiquiri by the end of the year. He's polling at 6%, but represents actual revolution in Russia if he can get a little traction.


We may loathe the power broking and back stabbing soap opera of the Labor Party, and the relatively obnoxious knucklethuggery of Abbott's Liberal mob. We may tire of the long and drawn out election process in those United States. But one thing's for sure... thank rockstar-buddy Jesus we don't live in Russia.
Last edited by Mattus on Thu Mar 01, 2012 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I may be the first man to put a testicle in Germaine Greer's mouth"

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mantra
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by mantra » Fri Mar 02, 2012 8:03 am

We don't hear much about Russian politics. I thought Putin was still President and didn't realise he had a sock puppet take his place while he took a holiday.

I do feel sorry for the Russians though. They appear to live miserable lives and by the lineup of potential rulers, it's not going to improve.

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Outlaw Yogi
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by Outlaw Yogi » Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:00 am

Dah comrad, ve vill krush zem.
If Donald Trump is so close to the Ruskis, why couldn't he get Vladimir Putin to put novichok in Xi Jjinping's lipstick?

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Mattus
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by Mattus » Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:40 am

It's election day in Moscow... expect stuffed ballots, white ribbons, tear gas and bullets by the time it's over.

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"I may be the first man to put a testicle in Germaine Greer's mouth"

-Heston Blumenthal

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Mattus
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by Mattus » Sun Mar 04, 2012 11:29 am

“You artists, like prostitutes, lie underneath any leader for money. You all lay under Brezhnev, under Gorbachev, under Yeltsin, under Putin. Tomorrow, I will enter the Kremlin, you will all lie under me and I will spit on you and wipe my feet on you.”

Comrade Gennady Zyuganov makes a last minute appeal for votes on Tuesday as a patron of the performing arts. Image
"I may be the first man to put a testicle in Germaine Greer's mouth"

-Heston Blumenthal

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Mattus
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by Mattus » Mon Mar 05, 2012 7:12 am

"We have won. Glory to Russia" President Elect V.V. Putin

These elections are not free ... that’s why we’ll have protests tomorrow. We will not recognize the president as legitimate,” former Prime Mister (under Putin's first term) Mikhail Kasyanov.

“These are not going to be honest elections, but we must not relent,” Mikhail Gorbachev after casting his vote yesterday.

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Ukranian Femen activists face 15 year of jail for disorderly behaviour near a polling booth.
"I may be the first man to put a testicle in Germaine Greer's mouth"

-Heston Blumenthal

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mantra
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by mantra » Mon Mar 05, 2012 8:55 am

It sounds like a rerun of George Bush's win for second term. There appear to be many who refuse to recognise Putin as President because of the alleged corruption and vote stacking which took place.

Now that the Presidential term has extended from 4 to 6 years - Putin could be President until 2024. And here we are worrying about Gillard and Abbott who might serve a 3 year term or two. They are both benign compared to Putin.

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AiA in Atlanta
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by AiA in Atlanta » Tue Mar 06, 2012 6:42 am

Crying politicians freak me out.

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AiA in Atlanta
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by AiA in Atlanta » Tue Mar 06, 2012 6:52 am

This does not however:

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Ukraine Forever.

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Mattus
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Re: Vladivostok Hiho!

Post by Mattus » Tue Mar 06, 2012 6:57 am

Putin's only crying because the air is thick with teargas.

Opposition leaders have been arrested, as Putin's 12,000 strong police "ring of steel" descends on protesters in Moscow and St Petersberg.

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Vladimir Putin - 63.75%
Gennady Zyuganov - 17.19%
Mikhail Prokhorov - 7.82%
Vladimir Zhirinovsky - 6.23%
Sergei Mironov - 3.85%
"I may be the first man to put a testicle in Germaine Greer's mouth"

-Heston Blumenthal

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