Domestic Violence

[J o h n S m i t h]

There is no perfect system.

Yes.

I have seen too many serious domestic violence situations, always the man causing the abuse, and no-one did anything even when the cops were called.

Fear is a terrible thing and the main reason a women will not pursue it further or raise a formal case.

Mate I grew up in it. My old man was violent towards my mum and many a time the cops did fkk all because it was considered private business between a man and his wife (when I was very young) or even later because mum was to scared to press charges. That was despite the black eyes and bruises.

I can relate to that, my old man was a terrible alcoholic and got out of control occasionally.

It was a different era and back then it was unfortunately considered acceptable by many in society. I'm glad it's changed.

[lisa jones]

There is no perfect system.

Yes.

I have seen too many serious domestic violence situations, always the man causing the abuse, and no-one did anything even when the cops were called.

Fear is a terrible thing and the main reason a women will not pursue it further or raise a formal case.

Mate I grew up in it. My old man was violent towards my mum and many a time the cops did fkk all because it was considered private business between a man and his wife (when I was very young) or even later because mum was to scared to press charges. That was despite the black eyes and bruises.

I can relate to that, my old man was a terrible alcoholic and got out of control occasionally.

It takes a lot of strength and courage for men to speak up about domestic violence and how it's affected them. Much respect to you all (I was surprised to read your posts - they were the last thing I expected to see in this topic).

I've yet to see a guy take responsibility for BEING violent AND CHANGING.

For the record ... I don't personally know of any woman who has been physically violent. Most tend to be verbally abusive. Unfortunately words do hurt. But in the heat of the moment we women know that our mouths are our weapons so we use words (which we later regret)

I myself need to be more careful when I feel the urge to call my husband a dhead or an idiot. It's disrespectful and sets the wrong tone. I mean there's no way I'd ever say those things to the kids. So I should be more attentive to stuff like this.

Ok Aussie. I did warn you about what I had to say in this topic. Here goes:

My 1st husband was one abusive prick who used his size and strength as well as words to slowly break me down.

Once the twins were born he openly referred to me as FUCKING BITCH whenever he spoke to me. If the toddlers were present ... he made a point of using that phrase even more.

My little boy's 1st complete sentence? "Mummy pucking pitch"

That was my initial wake up call to start making plans to get myself and the little ones well away from him.

The fact that he almost choked me to death in front of both toddlers in their nursery soon after that...and only stopped because my mother interrupted him as she walked in through the front door of our home calling my name was THE DAY my marriage ended. Both kids ran up to her screaming that daddy was trying to take the life out of mummy's neck.

The Police intervened. After that my HELL on earth started in court. Quite a number of courts actually. Local, District and Family. Never ending court sessions each week designed to frustrate me and waste whatever money I had.

So in effect...the entire marriage lasted 5 years (2 of those years I was actually separated because he kept fighting my right to divorce him). So in real terms I was with him for 3 years. They were the longest 3 years of my life. I never slept and was scared to death he would do something terrible (as per his promises to me). Hyper vigilance is something which affects me to this day unfortunately. Even though my 2nd husband is nothing like my ex.

Anyway I was in some form of court process for 3 years. Yep ... 1 for each year I survived with him. After that ended my legal fees totalled just over a million dollars. He was so happy to see that because it meant he had devastated me financially. That's ok. I was happy and determined to start from scratch. I knew I was good with property AND I was alive and well and had my family. WITH my family's help I started over. By help I mean moving in with mum ( a widow ) for a few years until the twins started school and I had the means to buy a property. After that nothing could hold me back.

My ex never re partnered. He gambled whatever he had (from his rich parents and even later on when he received a huge redundancy payout). He died alone in a miserable filthy old 2 bedroom unit and he was driving some old car at the time. He drank himself to death. He essentially left nothing behind but a big mess. Karma visited him. Big time. He died on a freaking pension ffs!

Why am I sharing this information with you all HERE?

1. It's GOOD to share personal experiences which have taught us invaluable lessons. Especially if those personal experiences have helped us understand more about ourselves and others. They prove how strong we can be even when things look so impossible.

2. It's GOOD for you guys to understand that children deserve a dad who is decent towards their mummy.

3. It's GOOD for you guys to understand that SOMETIMES....we rush into relationships when we're young and these relationships merely prove to be dress rehearsals for the real thing later on. There is no shame in my books in re assessing a futile relationship that's going nowhere after you've tried everything humanly possible to fix its issues. If the only option left means obtaining a divorce then get up and get it. Free yourself AND free the other person AND any poor kids which may be involved. Life is too short. Better divorced and free than miserable, trapped and/or dead. And that's irrespective of the stigma, the shame, the reproach etc of our religious/cultural belief systems.

4. There are GOOD guys around. Thank God! I know this as I'm married to someone who's a dear soul. So there IS hope after divorce!

5. This 22 billion dollars is urgently required elsewhere in Australia : Education, health, aged care etc. Look where it's going (and this figure is unfortunately dated )

https://www.pwc.com.au/publications/eco ... women.html

[Super Nova]

There is no perfect system.

Yes.

I have seen too many serious domestic violence situations, always the man causing the abuse, and no-one did anything even when the cops were called.

Fear is a terrible thing and the main reason a women will not pursue it further or raise a formal case.

Mate I grew up in it. My old man was violent towards my mum and many a time the cops did fkk all because it was considered private business between a man and his wife (when I was very young) or even later because mum was to scared to press charges. That was despite the black eyes and bruises.

I can relate to that, my old man was a terrible alcoholic and got out of control occasionally.

It was a different era and back then it was unfortunately considered acceptable by many in society. I'm glad it's changed.

Mates, I too grew up with this. I remember running down to the phone booth to call the cops, I was 10. They came, mother had back eyes. Cops did nothing. Everyone knew it was happening and no-one did anything. It build a culture of shame and denial. To survive I had to get up every morning and go about my day as if everything that happened last night didn't occur. My mother had to explain how many times she ran into a door. Cover her bruises with makeup. In the end I used to standup to him just so he would beat me instead of my mother. Man he could hit hard with an open hand and always on the face.

I support greater action and don't care if you get a record.

I refused to let my daughter grow up with this sort of thing and have made sure the cycle is broken with me.

PS: I suffered 18 years of this and left home the day I was 18. I went into the world pretty fucked up and emotionally immature due to this violent upbringing.

[Super Nova]

I've yet to see a guy take responsibility for BEING violent AND CHANGING.

Well i am ashamed to admit i have been with my wife for 35 years. I once hit her in an argument in the 2nd year. i punched her in the shoulder, really hard.

I left a major bruise.

I was so disgusted with myself and I knew this unacceptable especially since I saw this all my childhood and know how damaging the fear of it happening again or worse i would turn out like my old man. I have never done it again. I had to grow up and learn how to deal with conflict without resorting to violence or even the threat of violence or not be passive aggressive. I never had a role model or any idea on how to resolve conflict with words. Big learning curve and I had to grow into my big girl pants.

Hitting women especially your wife is totally unacceptable.

[J o h n S m i t h]

I've never hit my wife, or even sworn at her. There is nothing she could do that would make me hit her either. She's much more precious to me than the scumbags on here and on ozpol.

[Redneck]

I've never hit my wife, or even sworn at her. There is nothing she could do that would make me hit her either. She's much more precious to me than the scumbags on here and on ozpol.

Same same me neither!

[lisa jones]

I can't believe what I'm reading. I never ever thought anyone on PA could be this honest and raw about such a topic. It's absolutely amazed me.

Clearly domestic violence /family violence affects so many people and across so many levels. I never expected the sensitive topic to move much on PA. We're usually fighting WITH each other not FOR each other. I have the deepest respect for all who have contributed.

We all know that it's important to talk about stuff in order to get to the moving on stage. Unfortunately not many people get that talking can be challenging and confronting and the moving on bit often takes time and involves many small steps.

[Super Nova]

I've never hit my wife, or even sworn at her. There is nothing she could do that would make me hit her either. She's much more precious to me than the scumbags on here and on ozpol.

Same same me neither!

I was ashamed and still ashamed.

But as I grow older, I am not so ashamed as to not admit my mistake, faults and how I have developed.

Coming from a drunken domestic abusive environment, and i mean it was at least every week, sometimes everyday for 18 years... it took a lot of work on my side to overcome instilled instincts. I understand how abused children grow up to be abusive people, it is a cycle that requires awareness and commitment to overcome. One of my sisters has still not recovered, damaged her mental health and her life. Very sad.

And a lot of soul searching and a lot of work.

Anger and hatred is a soul destroyer, even when you are the victim. That requires work.