Joke of the Day
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It's such a fine line between stupid and clever. Random guest posting.
It's such a fine line between stupid and clever. Random guest posting.
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boxy
- Posts: 6748
- Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 11:59 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
"But you will run your fluffy bunny mouth at me. And I will take it, to play poker."
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Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
This is amazing:
This is the best, most interesting English lesson I have had in a long time.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters ?
Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car" ?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate" ?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking twats and take those other towel-head, hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?
This is the best, most interesting English lesson I have had in a long time.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters ?
Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car" ?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate" ?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking twats and take those other towel-head, hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?
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Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
'Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked...
"In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The clerk asks..."Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended says...
"Yes I am, But let me ask you something.
"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The clerk says..."No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says..."Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage...
"why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied..."Because you're in Bunnings"...
A customer asked...
"In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The clerk asks..."Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended says...
"Yes I am, But let me ask you something.
"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The clerk says..."No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says..."Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage...
"why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied..."Because you're in Bunnings"...
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Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
The Blue Pigeon
The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue Paki ??
The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue Paki ??
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Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
Condom Use on an Aircraft
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get that condom on” she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to.
So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
And what were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get that condom on” she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to.
So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
And what were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!
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Super Nova
- Posts: 11787
- Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 12:49 am
- Location: Overseas
Re: Joke of the Day
Ed Miliband - UK Labour leader in opposition - Joke of the year
Would you vote for a git like this. (even though it is not Australia)
Miliband faces fresh crisis with MPs ‘on brink of coup’
Sonia Elks
Last updated at 9:00AM, November 9 2014
The Labour party was plunged into fresh crisis last night as senior figures within the party said that plotters are pressing for a leadership coup. Sources told the Observer newspaper that a “critical mass” of at least 20 frontbenchers were on the brink of issuing an open demand for Ed Miliband to resign in a growing rebellion that threatens to leave the party riven by splits as it heads into the May general election. The plotters are said to be hoping to anoint Alan Johnson, the former home secretary, as the new leader, though he has previously insisted that he has “no intention of going back to frontline politics”.
http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/poli ... 262266.ece
Would you vote for a git like this. (even though it is not Australia)
Miliband faces fresh crisis with MPs ‘on brink of coup’
Sonia Elks
Last updated at 9:00AM, November 9 2014
The Labour party was plunged into fresh crisis last night as senior figures within the party said that plotters are pressing for a leadership coup. Sources told the Observer newspaper that a “critical mass” of at least 20 frontbenchers were on the brink of issuing an open demand for Ed Miliband to resign in a growing rebellion that threatens to leave the party riven by splits as it heads into the May general election. The plotters are said to be hoping to anoint Alan Johnson, the former home secretary, as the new leader, though he has previously insisted that he has “no intention of going back to frontline politics”.
http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/poli ... 262266.ece
Always remember what you post, send or do on the internet is not private and you are responsible.
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skippy
- Posts: 5239
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2011 3:48 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
A bloke decides to move to the bush for a tree change in a pretty remote location.
While he is unpacking his possessions there is a knock at the door, he answers and standing there is a big burly bushy greeting him with a welcome. The bushy says to him " I'm having a party tonight to welcome you, there will be lots of drinking lots of fighting and lots of fucking" the new tree changer says " oh ok are you expecting a lot of guests? The bushy says " just you and me".
While he is unpacking his possessions there is a knock at the door, he answers and standing there is a big burly bushy greeting him with a welcome. The bushy says to him " I'm having a party tonight to welcome you, there will be lots of drinking lots of fighting and lots of fucking" the new tree changer says " oh ok are you expecting a lot of guests? The bushy says " just you and me".
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Super Nova
- Posts: 11787
- Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 12:49 am
- Location: Overseas
Re: Joke of the Day
Gave me a smile.....
The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world. (so the article says)
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world. (so the article says)
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
Always remember what you post, send or do on the internet is not private and you are responsible.
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Super Nova
- Posts: 11787
- Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 12:49 am
- Location: Overseas
Re: Joke of the Day
Same here and then I thought...Solonoid wrote:skippy wrote:A bloke decides to move to the bush for a tree change in a pretty remote location.
While he is unpacking his possessions there is a knock at the door, he answers and standing there is a big burly bushy greeting him with a welcome. The bushy says to him " I'm having a party tonight to welcome you, there will be lots of drinking lots of fighting and lots of fucking" the new tree changer says " oh ok are you expecting a lot of guests? The bushy says " just you and me".
LOL that actually made me laugh
A bloke decides to move from the bush to a city in Queensland for a change from tree hugging.
While he is unpacking his possessions there is a knock at the door, he answers and standing there is a weedy little taxi driver with a VB in his hand greeting him with a welcome. The taxi driver says to him " I'm having a party tonight to welcome you, there will be lots of drinking lots of fighting and lots of fucking" the new comer says " oh ok are you expecting a lot of guests? The taxi driver says " just you and me".
Always remember what you post, send or do on the internet is not private and you are responsible.
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Neferti
- Posts: 18113
- Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:26 pm
Re: Joke of the Day
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"...
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"...
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!
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