Iowa Hiho!

[Mattus]

It’s that time again, when the democracy of democracies begins the 10 month process of selecting the loser of the 2012 election. Bear in mind, the presidential election takes place in November, but so horny for democracy are these United States that they hold a series of elections before the election, just to figure out the candidates. These take the form of “primaries” and “caucuses”… err “caucusi”… err whatever. Iowa is a caucus, not a primary, so let’s deal with that.

While during a primary, voters head to a voting booth, during a caucus voters head to a mates place for a barbeque. There they gather in a corner of the back yard indicating which candidate they prefer. The corner with the smallest number of people is dispersed with the hose, and those party goers then must choose a second favourite corner to nurse their beer in. And so on, until only 1 corner of the yard has everybody in it. Then they can get down to the serious business of griping about what a awful job that black muslim has been doing and where is his birth certificate.

This is America’s idea of preferential voting. It’s primitive, but not entirely ineffective. Plus you get beer.

Iowa is the first, but not the most important, of these “elections”. Over the next few hours republicans from Iowa (yes, both of them) will head over to Hank’s place and select which of the patriotic but oh-so dopey bastards below they think will be the most amusing when losing to Obama in November. While important because by the time the evening is over some of the contenders will pull out of the race, the result is otherwise meaningless, and only rarely reflects the eventual winner of the Republican primary. For example, at Hank’s last Iowa barbeque, they chose Mike Huckabee, in second place Mitt Romney, in third place Fred Thompson (fuckin who?) followed by John McCain, the eventual Republican candidate, in fourth. So please, take no notice for the rest of this post, and switch off until we get to the super Tuesday primaries where the number of voters can be counted on both hands.

So, now that you have finished a-learnin about the American electorial system (by the way, congratulations, you now know more than most Americans on the matter), we can jump straight into the candidates.

Michele Bachmann: Lets start with the novelty candidate, because after this evening we probably won’t hear from them again. Don’t let the surname fool you, this is no Jewish princess. A bible-o-phile, Bachmann is the tea-party candidate. Good looking, momsey, and dumb as a box of hammers, she won’t trouble the scorers in Iowa. Her job is just to hang on until we get south of the Mason Dickson. South Carolina Hiho!

Rick Perry: Cowboy Rick’s another who will grit his teeth through the Iowa caucus. The Texan governator aint going to do well here. There are three reasons why, firstly his claim to fame is executing more people than China, secondly his performance in the GOP debates has been a laughing stock and thirdly…. Ummm.. hang on… one , two,… wait, I know this… thirdly… I’m gonna say EPA.

Ron Paul: Rich, mad as a fucking hatter. Enough said, see picture.


Newt Gingrich: Newt “Medicare should wither on the vine” Gingrich has been in politics forever. The fact that he’s still in the race is testament to the paucity of the GOP line-up. There are too many skeletons in the closet (literally) for him. He’s being buried by his own party, imagine what Obama would do. He’ll make the fat little git cry like a baby! Newt is like the Ted Kennedy of the GOP. He's a heavyweight for sure, but too much dirt on him, best to lurk in the shadows and pull the strings, Newtie, the light will burn you.

Rick Santorum: Google it. Ultra-conservative , fiscally and socially. He’s got a lot going for him as a GOP candidate. A devout catholic, a series of very catholic tragedies in the family and one hell of a consistent conservative voting record will turn his tenure as a Penn senator (usually a negative for a GOP candidate, where governors generally do better) into a plus. Penn is above the Mason Dixon, but only just. He’s really a wet dream for GOP. Unless he has fathered an illegitimate Dominican child or cruises for gay sex in airport restrooms he's going to be hard to beat.

Mitt Romney: I like Mitt, he was governor of MA when I was American, and introduced some progressive legislation. Legislation which he now needs to disown because the sister-marrying gun-totin’ GOP base don’t like them new fangled whatsits. But even this is a plus, a politician is meant to reflect the will of the people, rather than impose his own, no? Anyway, I’d vote for him over Obama and that’s saying something because I’m about as left as they come. He’ll do well in Iowa, but won’t fare well in the sourth because he has served in Canadachusetts and is a Mormon.

[Neferti]

Nice to "meet" you Mattus. I have wondered who you were.

Mitt Romney: I like Mitt, he was governor of MA when I was American, and introduced some progressive legislation. Legislation which he now needs to disown because the sister-marrying gun-totin’ GOP base don’t like them new fangled whatsits. But even this is a plus, a politician is meant to reflect the will of the people, rather than impose his own, no? Anyway, I’d vote for him over Obama and that’s saying something because I’m about as left as they come. He’ll do well in Iowa, but won’t fare well in the sourth because he has served in Canadachusetts and is a Mormon.

That explains it all for me

[Plough]

That is a fine summary. I also think Romney is the best suited candidate, however our very special cousins from the US wont have a bar of him. He doesnt kill enough crims, he is a bit too progressive and being Mormon he almost rules himself out (no matter how many people go to Utah to ski!)

I think Rick Perry (is he katy perrys dad?) is a shoe in for the rupublican nom. He will then get whipped like a slave by the incumbant who ironically probably has slave in his ancestry.

I think it also salient to note that the most left wing candidate in the US on the democrat side is probably a centrist at best here.

[Plough]

Mattus is old school PA

[Neferti]

Mattus is old school PA

Thanks Plough. I am already getting stuff from my American friends about this and I presume they are Republicans, so ...........

[Mattus]

Boy howdy it's a close call. Literally only 5 barbecue party goers in it, so it looks like Santorum and Romney will split the majority of the delegates, with Paul picking up a few too. Nevertheless, you'd have to say Romney has come out as the front runner, and that will be solidified when he smashes the New Hampshire primary next week (New Englanders love a local boy - though they're pretty libertarian up there too and Paul might get a few votes). Being front runner means that the smoking barrel of Gingrich's negative campaign cannon will be firmly pointed at Mitt. Could be a problem for him, but on the other hand it will look good on his letters to supporters asking for more donations.

Cowboy Rick is on his way back to Texas to lick his wounds, but he can't really be surprised by the result in Iowa. He probably just realises he has no shot at all in New Hampshire so will let Romney and Gingrich tear strips off each other while he focuses on South Carolina on Jan 21st, which he has a good shot of winning. Especially if Bachmann has imploded on herself by then.

[Mattus]

Bachmann is skipping New Hampshire and focusing entirely on South Carolina. Placing dead last in her native Iowa was a hell of a blow, and her NH staff quit months ago. She probably has enough money to win South Carolina but might find herself in the interesting position of having to quit even if she placed first there, which she may do if Perry pulls the trigger before the poll.

So it's on to New Hampshire for Romney, Paul and Santorum. The state with no taxes and the motto "Live free or die" will be warm to the libertarian Ron Paul, but Romney is already a household name there. Newt will be wasting any money he spends there.

[AiA in Atlanta]

I knew Gingrich's daughter when in high school. I sat next to her in Chemistry class. She lives in Atlanta I hear. When Gingrich left his first wife the local church had to donate food to her and and Gingrich's kids. He left them destitute.

[AiA in Atlanta]

Also, Newt Gingrich came to our high school and assured us that a nuclear winter was nothing to worry about. Can't recall if this was before or after he divorced his wife while she was recovering from cancer in the hospital or not.



















Mattus's High-Ho is an honoured PA traditon.

[AiA in Atlanta]

This from Mother Jones who has always had a hard on for Newt Gingrich:

Newt Gingrich has finally reached his destiny: destroyer of the GOP.

In a bitter and spiteful concession speech last night in Iowa—Kanye West could do no worse—the former House speaker, who finished fourth, signaled a shift in his mission. He would no longer be running to obtain the Republican presidential nomination; he would be campaigning to obliterate Mitt Romney. He would be Sherman; the former Massachusetts governor would be Georgia.

If Gingrich does pursue this march—and there are two debates this weekend in New Hampshire in which Gingrich can be a suicide bomber—Gingrich will be reaching the peak of his three-decades-long career as a Republican demolition man. And now his target will be the candidate the GOP establishment believes possesses the best chance of unseating President Barack Obama.

Gingrich, as is widely known, entered the House in the late '90s, throwing bombs. He aimed them at both the stodgy leadership of the Republican House minority and at Democratic leaders, whom he routinely called "corrupt." For years, he hurled harsh and bombastic rhetoric, routinely comparing those with whom he disagreed to either Nazis or Nazi-appeasers. It was often hard to keep track of his faux historical analogies. (For a partial list of his excesses, see this run-down.)

During his venom-laced rush to the top, Gingrich sought to institutionalize his hate politics. His political action committee, GOPAC, sent out a memo to Republican candidates counseling them to use particular words when describing Democrats, such as "decay," "betray," "traitors," "pathetic," and "corrupt."


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And "destroy." Which was Gingirch's intent—targeted first at his foes, but then, ultimately, at himself. Soon after achieving his ambition of becoming House speaker, he self-destructed. His ambition, arrogance, and lack of discipline triggered a mutiny among his fellow Republicans. He survived that episode, but after leading the impeachment crusade against Bill Clinton and suffering at the polls during the 1998 midterm elections, Gingrich (who at the time was extra-maritally trysting himself) resigned the speakership—rather than face the wrath of his GOP comrades who had (once again) had enough.

Thirteen years later, it was tough for Newt-watchers to feel any sympathy, when he whined about the incoming attacks mounted by a Romney-supporting super-PAC. His bleating about negative campaigning was, given this historical perspective, farcical. His claim that Romney was a "liar" carried little heft—after all, Gingrich himself had recently displayed his penchant for prevarication, such as when he claimed he had been paid by Freddie Mac for performing duties as a "historian."

But a presidential candidate scorned can be a dangerous thing. Gingrich has never had a self-esteem problem. His ego is supersized. And with his late-autumn jump in the polls, he, no doubt, was measuring himself for a crown. (Tiffany's?) He all but declared his ascendancy was inevitable. Yet then that nasty super-PAC came along and...told the truth about Gingrich, in killer attack ads, behaving much as Gingrich had always counseled GOPers to act. In a 1978 address to College Republicans, before he was elected to the House, Gingrich declared, "I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty." Well, if his goal back then was to nastify the GOP, he can proudly proclaim, "Mission Accomplished."

But having been on the receiving end of Newt-like treatment, Gingrich is not going to quietly skulk back to his Newt Inc. empire and continue to cash in. First, it seems, he must crush Romney. Which is not such a hard task. At the upcoming debates, Gingrich will have plenty of ammo—all those flip-flops and what-nots—to blast Romney to smithereens. If Gingrich goes scorched earth, he can provide much material for Democratic anti-Romney ads and will obviously tick off the Republican Party poohbahs who have already decided that Romney is the only credible candidate in this sorry lot.

It will be as if a time bomb with a very long fuse has finally detonated.

The Republicans embraced Gingrich when his thuggish formula for success worked and returned them to power in the House of Representatives. But now that same explosive force can be trained on the GOP inner circle's favorite. Live by the Newt, perish by the Newt? Romney might be able to withstand the detonation of the Gingrich death star. But if Gingrich does go nuclear on Romney, it will be a fitting—and not unpredictable—end to a long reign of terror.

http://motherjones.com/politics/2012/01 ... -destroyer